Mending Friendship

I don't know anyone ever try to restore friendship. I never did. I always the first one to jump the boat whenever something went wrong. I should say I have been lucky that I don't have much experience on that with my close friends, till recently. Then, I realize how hard it really is. After what happened, we sort of lose the closeness we used to have. We do still talk but it seem like we avoid to get too personal. You know how you talk to people that you barely knew. You keep your conversation on the surface. That is us, who once we were close friends. Sometimes I am not sure if it is worth to maintain the friendship anymore. If I can't even talk to my friend, what is the point of calling the person your friend? I understand it takes times to heal. But I am not sure why we bother anymore. There was a time that all my responses to the conversation was 'whatever'. A friend said that if I don't bother defending myself, that mean I don't care what the other person think of me. And that is not a good sign for friendship. I never think about it that way. I just got sick of have to defend my point of view all the times. May be my friend was right. May be I just don't care anymore. How can you be friend with a person that you don't know if you trust the person anymore? I guess if we are meant to be friends, time will heal.

PS. I was listening to radio this morning while driving to work, the guy mention "Happy are the healers, happy are the peacemakers". He remind me of what I read from a book. You don't want to be stubborn to a friend cause you never know if you have time. We always think we have lots of time on hand, but we never know.

Lack of Tear

I always wonder if I am cold blooded or I just feel sorrow slower than other people or it takes more for me to feel anything. Last night, I went to a prayer meeting with my friends and we were praying for Pastor Chan's tragedy. All the girls started crying but I didn't. I feel kind of bad not crying and kind of feel that I should. I always feel pressure when I see people crying but I don't have any tear. I remember when I attended my grandfather's funeral, I didn't cry until I saw my mom crying, then it hit me. Even hearing my grandmother's death, I didn't feel anything until several days later. May be I was just slow. But I don't know if I dry up all my tears in the beginning of the year already. Like I told my friends, I probably use up all my crying portion. I lost my ability to cry anymore. Or I am just a more cold blooded person. My friends were asking why this happen. Why would God let this to happen? I am actually quite surprised at myself that I actually have no problem rationalize the whole incident. A friend said it could be the Spirit lead me. I don't know. May be I really lost touch with everything and can't feel anything anymore.

Death

We always know death is closed by but we always think it is far. We always know life is fragile but yet we always think we would not be the next one to die. We always think we won't be so 'lucky' to be the next one in line. Yet this year, death is particular close to me, at least to people I know. First the tsunami happened in the beginning of the year. It freak me out when I heard about it because my cousin could be there enjoying her vacation. I know her and my aunt liked to go to Thailand. Then, it was a mud slide in Vancouver that took away life of my instructor's wife and injured him badly. Now, it was a pastor that preached in my church before got killed in a car accident yesterday. When you look at the news, you would never imagine you know that person. And this year, it happen way too often for me. Is it God's way to remind me to care for people while they are with me? I really don't know what to feel now. I felt so confused and lost. Everything seem so unreal.

The Passion of the Christ

I finally got a chance to watch the movie "The Passion of the Christ" and it couldn't be better that it was on Easter Sunday. I don't know how I would feel if I watch this before I accepted Jesus in my life. I probably will think this is a bloodly violent movie about a guy suffering. And even before I watch the movie, I thought that I heard about the story too many times and the movie probably won't touch me much. I was soooo wrong. Watching Jesus got whipped, tortured, humiliated and eventually died on a cross in order to bring us back to God, I can't be more touched. What on earth did we do to deserve his suffering and death? All we did was disobeying him and walk away from him. A friend once told me that when he prayed, he can't really say "Father forgive us though we don't deserve it". I agreed with him back then. After watching the movie, I changed my mind. I don't think we ever deserve His love. What exactly did we do to deserve another person to die for us? How great of love is that to suffer all these because of us? I can't be more thankful for Him.

In Bed With Strangers

I went to Seattle with several friends during long weekend. It was interesting cause I haven't been in a "duckling" tour for awhile. (note: Duckling tour mean a group of tourists blindly follow a leader to wherever he or she goes, sort of like a group of duckling following the mother.) One major thing I learnt from this trip is that if I ever get married, it has to be someone I loved. I know it is kind of a weird conclusion to draw from a Seattle trip. Let me explain. We stayed overnight in Seattle and there were 3 girls sharing a room with a king size bed and a sofa bed. I was sharing the king size bed with another girl. Hence, a whole night of tug of war of blanket began. And it didn't stop there. I am not used to sharing a bed with another person. So every time my foot touch something else, I woke up. And every time my friend turned, I woke up. You can imagine how cranky I was the next day (especially I can't make a stop at Starbucks to keep me a sane person ) . Now, imagine you spend your life with someone you don't love sharing your bed. I don't think I can stand that. I am not exactly a happy person if I got woke up in the middle of the night. And if it is going to happen every night, I would totally kick him off my bed! When I told my parents my theory, my mom laughed and said "You can always sleep in separate beds."

Coworkers Who "Care"

My friend was telling me the other day how nosy her coworker is. After I heard her story, I told her compared to my coworkers, hers is nothing. Seriously, how often your manager will ask your friend 'what is your intention for her'? Even my dad didn't do that when I was in high school! To make it worse, he didn't do that when they are alone. Oh no, it has to be a group of coworkers casually chatting and then my stupidly manager happens to "CASUALLY" raise the question! And when you feel like dress up one day, crazy people will keep asking you if you are going a date that night. I never wear a dress again on friday because I happened to wear it once, and one of my friends announced to the whole office that I have a date that night. If we are in a small office, that is fine (Well, I shouldn't say fine, but at least my motivation to beat him up would be way less.) Nope. Our office had around 100 people back then and I barely knows anyone from upstairs! Can you even imagine in a more embarassing situation?! There was one time that my manager suggested my teammates to stalk me on then weekend so they can find out who my friends are. In fact, they "care" too much nowaday that no matter where I am going, they always ask if there are cute guys. Whenever they look at my pictures, first thing they look for are guys I took picture with. I remember when they find out I start going to church. They are soooo interested in coming with me, not to be religious, but to find out the people I am with. Try to understand this. They "care" who I am with. They "want to make sure I am with the right people". Not to be nosy about whether there is guys, more importantly, single guys in my church. I felt that whatever altitude my dad lack of during my teenage year, my "caring" coworkers make it ALL up for him.

Best Maid of Honour Ever

It is that time of the year again, wedding season. Meaning, evil couple figure that they can steal my money by claiming to 'share their happiness' . Some even meaner people think that you are their friends mean that they can slave you. So far, I have been maid of honour twice and sister once (note: sister is sort of like a bridesmaid in Chinese wedding. Though you don't need to wear same dress as the maid of honour, you still get your portion of slavery.) Here is my latest success in this maid of honour industry that will make you think twice before asking me to help out.

I was the maid of honour for my friend whose wedding was held in Hong Kong. Since she always is a procrastinator, no word can describe how crazy it was on the day before her wedding. I was like her "ah say" (note: servant/slave) running around with her to pick up dresses and doing last minute stuff. (note: To make it more fun, I don't really know my way in Hong Kong.) By the time we got to sit down and eat, it was already 10pm. I stayed over at her place that night and right before I went unconscious, she told me that she and her fiancee agreed on red pocket money amount and asked what I think. That was the last thing I remember (I vaguely remember I told her to tell other sisters tomorrow but I am not sure did I really say that).

Next morning was chaotic. People were late. We had to rush everything. When we got the red pocket, the photographer told us to open it and it was only HKD20. So we knew that one was not real one. (note: There is no rule on how much it should be, but HKD20 is definitely too little money.) So we yelled at the groom for a bit and he gave us another one, we opened it and we saw a pile of paper money of different currency. We assumed this one was correct and opened the door.

When we were preparing the banquet place, I figured since no guests arrived yet, I should bring the door money and divided among the sisters. Then, the best man told me he was surprised we accepted that cause apparently that was NOT the correct one still! I was sooo shocked to hear that. Apparently, they had 3 red pockets ready. The first two were fraud. They were trying to trick us and see if we can do calculation for exchange rate quickly. See, this whole set up is based on the fact that we KNEW how much we should get. But none of us do! (Well, a half sleep maid of honour is not a good listener.) I was sooo upset that I hunted down the groom to get our money back. The groom calmed me and said we would settle after the wedding. Deal! So I walked back happily and was going to explain to all the girls what happen.

But I got stopped by the photographers and wanted me to find out where they should sit. After settling a thousand different things, I found myself empty handed! No more red pockets! I felt very bad because I don't know my friend's sisters that well and I felt that I scammed their money. I was going to email them and explain everything and take the money from my pocket. Then, I got a call from my just-married friend laughing like crazy and thank me for my extra gift. Apparently smart me, while running around like a headless chicken (note: If chicken is pink, that would be me that night.) put the red pocket on the reception table. And the reception girl thought it was part of the gifts and give it back to my friend!

Friends

I remember talking to a friend about retirement plan. I told her to open up a coffee house and I will go to her place everyday, buy a cup of coffee, sit there whole day and whine about the kids messing up my lawn again. My friend starts whining that I have to torture her even when we are old. I told her you would be glad if that happen. Cause that mean she has money to open a coffee house, we are both healthy cause she can operate the coffee house and I could do my daily whining, and most of all, we still stay as friends. I always know it is a blessing in my life that I have these friends and I always thankful for it. People come and go in our lives and you never know when you will lose your friends. People who you consider as friends today may no longer talk to you in the future. Losing friends always hurt. It could be over a heated argument or just slipped when you are not looking. You never know how long your friends will stay as your friends. While I cherish my friends in the meantime, I sure hope I will grow old and grumpy with them too.

Driver or Passenger?!

I find that guys are the worst car passenger ever. It is as if in their gene that they don't know how to act when they are in the passenger seat. One of my friends will start touching everything on the panel as if he doesn't know where else to put his hands. Some friends will give me instruction how to drive/park and make me feel like I am taking my driving lesson all over again. Worst of all, their behavior is sexist too. They may still behave fine when they are in another guy's car. But when it comes to another girl driving, they just won't keep their mouth shut. They always have to give instruction on how to drive. I don't consider myself that bad a driver (Yes, I did scratch my car against the column in the parkade, and yes I did rear end another car...but that is beside the point!) Yet, my friends like to tell me how to drive. When I back up my car or change lane, I haven't seen any guys that won't do the shoulder check with me. Even a friend that has not been in Vancouver for awhile tell me which direction to go! Urgh! When I am in my friend's car, I never tell him/her how to drive or which direction to go. Guys always say girls talk alot and yet, they won't be quiet when they are in a girl's car! If you are sooo scared of a girl's driving, shouldn't you be quiet and let her concentrate! Or drive yourself!

Ultimate Fight between V and W

I changed my profile and my msn name today. You may wonder, what is wiwian. Well, if you work with me, you probably hear this story a million times cause some stupid people are so proud of this and have to tell it again and again. There are three parts of the story.

First of all, being born in HK means English is not my first language. I do have problem pronouncing certain words. And out of everything, I can't even pronounce my OWN NAME right! :( See, it is not just my problem. My youngest cousin can't pronounce it either (well, when he was a kid, but that is not the point). So, I blame my mom for this. Naming me something that a Cantonese speaker would have no problem saying would be great, but nope, have to be all fancy and end up embarrassing her daughter! :P

Second, one day one of the friend from work decided to switch the 'v' and 'w' on the keyboard. I didn't notice until I look down. My keyboard looks funny and then I found out he switched the key caps. So I switched my keys back. Next thing I knew, when I came back from lunch, my keyboard was acting more weird! Where the 'w' should be, it REALLY became a 'v'. It was especially not fun when I was working on a file called vector.c. That means all the functions in there started with vector!!!! I became so frustrated so I ran to my project lead and whine. He looked guilty and suspicious. Then I found out that my stupid manager heard me whining and he thought it would be cool if they really switch my keyboard key. My project lead searched online for a bit, and knew he could really do it. I screamed and yelled at them for a very long time and hence the whole office knew what happen. Lesson they learnt never ever touch my computer again. Lesson I learnt my project lead and manager are stupid! (After my change on the file, when I commit it, I manually type my commit log so every 'v' is a 'w' :P)

Last, one day my non-work friend ICQ me starting with 'wiwian'. I was like, what! You talked to which of my work friends! I start naming all my friends from work that he may know and he got very confused. Then, I have to tell him the above story and he laughed his head off and said he just thought he felt like calling me this but from now on, that is my name! :(

PS. My friend said my blog started with serious thinking and downgraded to retarded stories. I try to be deep....but...hehehe...I do have a retarded life :P

Silence

Time in an elevator is always interesting. If you don't live in an apartment, you may not even walk into an elevator that often in Vancouver. And unless you got trapped, you don't even spend that much time in there. I said it is interesting because of the people. It may have people in there already. Even when you are alone in the elevator to start with, there is always a chance somebody will walk in after. Usually when you see a stranger in elevator, you may nod and greet and then it goes to absolute silence. I don't know how other people feel on this. For some unknown reason, I sometimes feel kind of stressed/tense during that silent moment. I once read from a book that a professor walked in to a classroom, sat down and said nothing for a long time. This silence agitated his students. Then he started his class with the discussion about the effect of silence on human relations. "Why are we embarrassed by silence? What comfort do we find in all the noise?" - Tuesdays with Morrie.

Tomorrow's Lunch

I finally force myself to cook the food I bought on the weekend. I am scared that if they keep sitting in my fridge, I have to throw things away again. Here is my delicious lunch for tomorrow. Not bad, right! At least the presentation is good! :)

Poltergeist?!

Ever since I lived by myself, I stop watching scary movie because I am scared to go home by myself and freaking out in my bed. Another reason is my friend that I usually watch with, got a fiancee and ditch poor me (sob...). Anyway, I remember there was one night, while I was sleeping, I heard a big noise in my house. My first reaction was that there was a thief in my house. I tried hard to stay still in my bed so the person won't come in and knew I was awake and stabbed me :P After a while, I couldn't hear any movement in my house. Next thing come into mind was there was a ghost in my house and it moved some stuff in my house. NOW, I tried to stay more still cause I sure didn't want that to notice me at all. After another very long while, I was brave enough to open my eyes slightly to see what was moved in my house. (Seriously, it took me a very long while to work up the courage to open my eyes. You know how those scary movie work. The actress was curious to look around and there!) I stared into my enclosed balcony and see my set of golf clubs lying on the floor. Then I remember that I must have not put it in upright position and it dropped. Next thing I know, I was scared that my downstairs neighbour would come up to scream at me. Seriously, if my upstairs neighbour made such a big noise at 4am, I would run up there too! :P

Computerless Days Finally Over!

After more than 400 days of lack in touch with cyber world, my dad finally got his computer back and working, thanks to ME! (who know someone who can fix it :P) I know having a computer science degree and not able to fix a system sound bad, but I did spend sometime with it and I can't get it working. My dad's computer is just too old and I can't get the wireless card working. See, everything will live happily ever after if they want to stick with the cable. But no, my mom said it looked ugly with cable running around the house and they want wireless. (I have cable running across my living room and I don't see what is the big deal about it. Eventually you will grow to accept the fact that is part of the decoration. :P) Being a computer science graduate, I did try to install the wireless card myself. I mean it is all plug and play these days. How hard could that be! After I violently jammed the PCI card into the slot, the computer first make weird noise and then just doesn't feel like turn on. I took it out and put it in again and again, but same thing happen. That is the point I gave up and hand my dad's computer to my friend. He quickly find that my violently way of installing network card make my video card become loose. He fixed that and upgraded the computer with a bunch of hardware part that he can find. But it still took him a while to get the wireless network going in my parents' place. My dad can finally lock himself in the room again. :)

Potential Food Poisoning

The problem of living by yourself is that you can't buy lots of food. You can't even stock up too much food. According to the law of nature, food does go bad even if they sit in your fridge doing nothing. I think the expiry date on the package is the greatest invention of all times. They saved a lot of innocent people who lived by themselves from food poisoning. My brother once found a bottle of expired ketchup in my cousin's fridge. And he was so glad that he looked at the expiry date before putting on his food. After that day, he learnt that to survive in my cousin's house, he had to check his food very carefully. Seriously, who would imagine ketchup could go expired! Well, today I found out that I outdid my cousin. I am looking at my fridge to make sure I have drinks. For some reason, I think I should check out the expiry date because I bought those quite awhile ago. Here come the shocking part, my bottle of coke actually expired!!! Does anyone know coke actually have an expiry date? I thought those thing last forever! Apparently they don't! So I have to pour my 'expired' coke down my sink. :(

Trust in Friendship

I remember one of the conversations with my friends regarding trust in friendship. How much do you tell your friends about yourself, everything? or only part of you? Would we become too vulnerable if we open ourselves up? Can we still trust people? Would your friend one day be the one who hurt you the most because you open up yourself? May be we should start keeping that mask on even when you are with your friends.

My friend said, "If what I may gain (ie. friendship) by opening myself up is more than what I may lose(ie. trust), I'll do it. Just don't be too worried about it. Trust your sense and judgement."

"If you decided to stop eating soup because it burned your tongue once, you might miss all the good taste and nutrients of all those soups out there that you hadn't tried. You know what I mean?
Just be more careful next time when you meet a new friend. Nobody ask you to trust that person at the 1st sight. If a person is trustworthy, you'll eventually accept him/her. Don't be too worried about who you met before. Look forward. There're still a lot of ppl you'll meet everyday."

I understand what my friend's saying, but tonight I just feel like re-reading her message to remind myself that again. I really do thank God for putting my friends in my life. I can't imagine what I could do without them.

Why "The Sky is Falling"?!

Some people asked why I named my blog this title. If you know about chinese parable, you would have heard about "overly worried man from Qi". Or if you heard of story of "chicken little". Basically, the morale is to tell people not to over worry about things. Problem is, I am an overthinker. I tends to worry about things. Before anything happen, I try to think of all possible scenario to get myself mentally prepared. Of course things usually happen in the least expected way. But I still overthink no matter what. Guess that is part of my self protective mechanism. The reason I use this name because I want to write down my over-worried thinking. Cuz I start to lose track on my thinking/memory :P